It started with a kiss and granted it never really ended there. But what I had then were my petty sentiments. I never really wished to grasp anything when I sealed that bargain. It reminded me of a contract with the devil.

Remembering that made me sick to the stomach. It made me realize how blinded by my own dignity I was. I am a sick and lowly creature.

I want to disappear.

“So…That incident…means…” she choked, head bowed low. People passed by us, momentarily looking our way before snapping their attention back to the polished hallway floor. The locker-doors slam shut and the hubbub of the incoming fourth period accumulated within the empty space. Her choking breathing made my heart ache. If I had the choice, I would lie. But in lying, I am only digging her grave deeper. I wanted to hold her, tell her she’ll be all right but I couldn’t bring myself to. I didn’t want her to be embraced by my shallow self.

“I’m sorry.” It wrenched my heart but I am powerless against the truth. “I…” Please, slap me. Hate me. Abhor me. I deserve it. But please, do not cry.

“So…everything was…” her hands were small, barely even able to cover my face. And I hardly even noticed. I can notice now, how she has heard my silent plea. She was being strong and it broke my heart to do this. “…a lie…” she choked again, a stray tear slipping down her cheeks. “How many times…have you…” she attempted to smile but ended swaying against me, clinging to my clothes as she buried her face against my chest. “…lied to me..?”

“When I said I loved you.” Slap me, darling. I deserve it.

“Oh...”

At that very moment, I felt the insane urge to hold her tight but instead, I let her go. But at the most crucial moment, someone bumped against me and darted away before I realized it was Jermy. “Charise…I…” my mind was a confused mass of apologies. I wanted to apologize to Charise but I also wanted to apologize to Jermy, for everything I have done. When I returned my attention to the crying lady in front of me, she had a sad smile on her face. Her hands were dangled helplessly at her side, “Go.”

I hugged her impulsively before I ran after Jermy. My heart raced at the thought, both in anxiety and in fear of what he might be thinking. “Jermy!” He rounded the entryway to the parking lot, finally catching him as he was about get in his car. “Jermy! Wait!” I lunged onto his car’s hood. “Let me explain…”

The brunet got out of his car and leaned his elbow against the roof, regarding me steadily. “Explain what?”

I tried to catch my breath, wondering what I was saying or what I should be saying. “About…”

“—the kiss? Don’t bother about it.” He said offhandedly, and that hurt me. I shook my head.

“I want to apologize, regardless.”

“I’m hearing you out.” He retorted, matter-of-factly. And I couldn’t help but notice how cold his demeanor was. And somehow, I felt as if my heart bled.

I bowed my head, unable to tell him what I was meaning to say. Even until that point, after all the rehearsals, I could not bring myself to even whisper those words. All that came out of my mouth were a string of meaningless apologies.

“I know.” Was his final decree. “I didn’t allow you to befriend me without knowing your real intentions, Deryck. But you proved to be more malleable than heated steel.” He laughed ironically, “Sometimes, I wished you weren’t so dense.” At that remark, he placed a hand over his mouth. He made an effort to look away, it seemed but I wasn’t quite sure if I was imagining things. “Anything else?” His voice sounded deeper, with his mouth being covered.

I bowed my head. “No, I’m sorry for wasting your time.” I turned around, weary-hearted and I didn’t want to turn back.

Ironically, it was Carey who found me by the back of the locker room. I didn’t even have the chance to cry out my rejected feelings. But I never expected him to even mutter a word to me after what happened four days ago.  I flinched as he sat beside me.

“How’s your stomach?”

“It’s fine,” I answered curtly. “Your kick hurt me pretty bad. I thought I was really heading for internal hemorrhaging.”

He laughed and gave me a small pat on the shoulder. “I guess I was being a bastard.”

“You sure were.” I didn’t have the decency to lie. “But you had a worthy cause.”

“I sure had.” Now we’re even. A few moments of silence ensued before he engaged me back to conversation. “Do you really like Jermy?”

I nearly choked. How can I possibly answer something so straightforwardly asked? “I’m not sure,” I faltered, “…about what you’re trying to get at.”

Carey chuckled. And here I was thinking that he might just pull my hair again. “I guess Larry couldn’t trick you on one thing. Your sexuality. It’s something that is inborn. But I never thought you would punch him so hard. He went straight to the ICU. You saved me a lot of trouble, you know. Thanks, buddy.” He snaked his arms around my shoulder and gave me a quick hug.

I didn’t know whether to turn pale or to be happy I appeased his greater reason. “Uh... you’re welcome?”

“Great!” he exclaimed quite merrily as he tapped his free hand to his side. “That means I can count on you to do the dirty work, eh?”

You have got to be kidding me. I remained silent, lest I anger the heathen god. After a pause of merriment, he retrieved his hand and rested it on his lap as he leaned against the white-washed wall.

“You know, I feel rather angry about the whole incident and I really owe you an apology for everything,” he sighed as he pulled out a cigarette stick from his back pocket. He placed the butt between his lips, “You have a light?”

I shook my head. “I left it at home.”

“Are you inviting me over?” he teased as he reached for his lighter. Coincidently, it was on his breast pocket. I made a face at him which he shrugged off. “I’m kidding. On the topic, I’m sorry. You’re just an unwilling piece in all the conspiracy Larry and I have been up to these past four years.” He puffed white smoke from his mouth. “All these years, since we first met, Larry and I have been up to no good. We’ve been pushing a lot of people around. It was only when he tried to corner Jermy that I came to my senses.”

I listened and tried to remain silent. With an effort. I wanted to cry in indignation for whatever the hell they have been brewing. And for making me an ignorant accomplice.

“Of course, it was too late. And I’m saying this because I realized everything I’ve done since my freshmen years have been a big mistake. I broke Jermy’s confidence. Larry was merely an object of it. I knew he was up to no good but I allowed him to get acquainted with Jerry. In so doing, I pre-empted Jerry’s long suffering.”

“I didn’t know you were so eloquent, Carey,” I bit my lip but it didn’t stop him from hearing it.

“I am. It’s just that, I got in the wrong crowd, you know?” He looked at me shyly, almost sheepish in his expression. “I left him alone. That night, by the beach when he was crying for lost confidence, I realized that his smile was more important.” He looked up, his eyes nearly tearing. “But it was too late. Although he regards me with the same empathy, I know we can never be as we were before. I’ve lost him to my ego.”

“Whatever happened back then must have transformed him into his icy self. You described him to be so much brighter back in your middle school days.”

“---I was a fool back then. I’ve smartened up a bit after that one year. He never stopped writing me letters. He was a friend but I disregarded him.”

“It seems like it.”

“Off handed comment. And you’re not making this any easier.” He chided, but the irony in his voice told me he wasn’t that offended. He was too lost in his reverie. “What I’m saying is, I wasn’t there for him when he needed me. I wasn’t able to defend him. In other words, I allowed it to happen because I knew it was going to happen. You know what I’m saying?” He had covered his face with both his hands. He was in genuine despair. “I don’t deserve his friendship.”

“Neither do I.” I hesitantly reached out to pat him on the shoulder, but he shook his head. “I have no idea what your relationship between Larry was but I can assure you, I have made my point. I won’t be used.”

“You already were.”

“Let’s put that behind us.” I grimaced. How can he afford to make remarks like that?

“In any case, what I’m trying to say is… I’m sorry for allowing the mess to continue. I certainly didn’t help. I should have done my homework before I struck the victim.” He giggled half-heartedly.

“I guess this makes for a peaceful reconciliation?” I quipped, jokingly and reached for his hand. “It’s Deryck Garnet. You can call me Rye.”

He held my hand in a firm grip, “Carter Hughes Anderson. You can call me Carey for short. And keep the Hughes to yourself or I’ll make a flowery re-make of what happened four days ago.”

I laughed tensely. He was kidding right? “Nice to finally meet you. Properly.”

“Same here.” We stood up and gave each other a reconciliatory hug. It was refreshing to say the least and it didn’t end up with a crying session. Instead, I felt a little better. “Are you going to be looking for Jermy?”

“If to apologize, yeah. I didn’t get to tell him everything.” I bowed my head as we walked back to the hallways.

“You can visit him at home,” he pulled out a piece of paper and wrote what seemed to be an address. “And tell him whatever you mean by everything. ”

I snorted as we made our way out of the Commerce building.”Stop teasing me.”

He waved the remark off. “Just remember that I’m deeply apologetic about everything. I never got to tell Jermy that. But I will when I have the courage.” He breathed in, deeply. “So, good luck to ya. You’re even lucky he allowed you to talk to him. He didn’t talk to me for a week before I got myself in jail.”

I gawked. “You were the one who tipped the police?”

He just smirked. “Never said Larry was the bad guy, did I?” I couldn’t believe the audacity of this man. He was not only apologetic, he was also inexonerable. We walked towards the Arts building’s cafeteria before I stopped on my tracks. I shoved my hands into my pockets.

“So, is Larry really gay?” I asked off-handedly.

He paused for a moment and looked at me. “Well, I never really said that he was. But it’s up to you to decide if he is.” He smirked as he spoke. “You shouldn’t worry about him being gay. You should worry about yourself.” My jaw almost dropped. “I mean, Rye. What are you doing following me to the cafeteria? Don’t you have something better to do?” He hinted. “Shoo.”

I wanted to smack the guy if it weren’t for the fact that we just made peace a couple of minutes ago. “All right, all right. You didn’t have to be so defensive.” I turned on my heel and was about to head off when he called out to me.

He didn’t even turn his back when he said, “And this is off the record. You-know-who was my boyfriend.”

I think I tripped and fell face first on the dusty pathway.